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Understanding Bereavement By Trusted Saskatoon Funeral Home

Since 1910, Saskatoon Funeral Home has responded to the needs of Saskatoon & area citizens of every faith and every walk of life. They have a proud history as Saskatoon's longest-serving, local, family-owned and operated, full-service funeral and cremation provider to trace its roots to the beginning days of our city. Saskatoon Funeral Home are a Trusted Saskatoon funeral home. 

Understanding Bereavement

How are we to understand bereavement?

Over the years, there have been numerous attempts to explain it. Perhaps the most influential and well-known theory has been that of Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying” focused on an emotional transition through five stages, beginning with denial and progressing through anger, bargaining and depression before arriving at acceptance. The “stage theory,” as it came to be known, quickly created a paradigm for how people die in our western culture, and eventually a prototype of how we should grieve.

The trouble is that stage theories of grief that make loss sound so controllable turns out largely to be fiction. Though Kübler-Ross captured the range of emotions that mourners experience, more recent research suggests that grief and mourning rarely if ever follow such a checklist; the process of grief is often complicated, untidy and unpredictable, more of a process than a progression, and one that sometimes never fully ends.

Even Dr. Kübler-Ross herself, towards the end of her life, recognized how far astray our understanding of grief had gone. In her book “On Grief and Grieving” (1995) she insisted that the stages were “never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages.” If her injunction went unheeded, perhaps it is because that very messiness of grief is what makes us all so uncomfortable.

The implied suggestion of many traditional grief models seems to be that the person suffering a loss simply has to go through the inevitable process, wait it out, “see it through,” on the assumption that “time heals all wounds,” and that eventually “in time,” they will “get over it.” This would seem to suggest that in the emotional aftermath of a loss, bereaved individuals are essentially passive, having to simply submit to suffering through a series of stages or a certain structured grief system over a defined period of time and incidentally over which they have little or no control and in which there is not much choice. 

But this is not what people actually experience after bereavement. We cannot understand the grief process ONLY by some “timeline” system or “set formula” whereby a person goes passively through certain emotions, stages, phases or reactions in order to somehow eventually arrive at this destination we erroneously call acceptance.

So, consider this foundational fact: 

We cannot understand bereavement and every individual response to it unless we appreciate how each bereaved person’s world has been forever changed by the loss.

I am suggesting a different paradigm, another way of thinking about our topic. The main focus should not primarily be (as it so often is) on a person’s emotional reactions, or on their behaviours or manifestations of grief, and more specifically how we can “control” these in order to get things “back to normal.” Those who focus on these considerations are trying to “fix” a situation that simply cannot be fixed; trying to get “back to normal” something that has changed forever.

Losing someone we love is often likened to an amputation. But even this analogy tends to be too clinical. The word bereavement comes from the root word “reave” that literally means being torn apart. Losing a loved one has been described as being like a branch that is torn off a limb, not in some nice sanitized surgical way, but literally being ripped away. The emotional and behavioural reactions of the grieving person should be seen as symptoms of this unwelcome change.

I am suggesting that we serve people better if we focus on the significance of this bereavement to the individual rather than on the substance of their specific reaction to the bereavement. Rather than concentrating on the reactions of grieving people and then quantifying their responses, we need to ask the “why” of these reactions. We must understand the meaning of the loss to this individual, which I suggest is being “expressed” through their specific emotions and uniquely individual behaviours.

In other words, the emotions and reactions of grief should be seen symptomatically as behaviours in response to and in protest of the need to search for meaning in what has become a new and unwelcome world. This is the crucial point in understanding bereavement, one which many people do not recognize, understand or perceive. The task is to help the bereaved and grieving person locate themselves in a world that they know nothing about, and that they, and indeed WE, cannot fully understand.

Put simply, instead of trying to get people back to normal by seeking to resolve and rectify their emotions and behaviours, we should rather regard these reactions as a symptom of the much deeper issue, namely, “My world has changed … and I don’t like it.” Grief is a protest against something I didn’t want, don’t like, but can’t change. And the challenge for the helper is in enabling them to come to terms with this new albeit unwelcome reality by beginning to form appropriate new patterns of emotion and behaviour.

We would probably all agree that, in one way, bereavement is a “choiceless event.” Few if any would choose to lose those they love, or suffer through the other life losses that inevitably affect us. Even when the death is “by choice” such as a suicide, the incident is usually “choiceless” for survivors who wish they could have “done something” to change the outcome and feel guilt and regret because that option was not made available to them. Thus, bereavement is an unwelcome intruder in our lives, one which refuses to retreat despite our impassioned protests.

But, from another perspective, while the loss may be a reality we are powerless to avert, the experience of grieving itself involves hundreds of concrete choices that the bereaved person is invited or forced to make, or indeed avoid. It is in another way a call for us to change. To go with it, or to resist the process. We have a choice of whether to attend to the distress occasioned by the loss or to avoid the pain by “keeping busy” or “trying not to think about it,” which is an impossible task, by the way. We have a choice as to whether to feel and explore the grief of our loved one’s absence or to suppress our private pain and focus instead on simply trying to adjust to a changed external reality. Loss may be inevitable, but what we DO about it is optional. We may not have a choice in what has happened, but we do have a choice in what we do about it.

Foundational Fact: Grieving is something we do, not something that is done to us.

We need to gain a better understanding of not only “what” people experience after a loss, but also “why” grief affects people so uniquely and individually. We have come to realize that people do not passively and inevitably go through a series of stages or tasks. Rather the grief process involves many choices, with numerous possible options to approach or avoid the situation at hand.

In other words, any good paradigm of grief will not simply propose some futile attempt to re-establish pre-loss patterns of emotion or behaviour, expressed in comments like “getting back to normal.” Life has changed and will never be the same again! But that does not mean it cannot be good. The challenge is how we can support the person in integrating these changes into their life as it now is.

Perhaps we can illustrate it this way. We all write a script for our lives. I remember writing the screenplay for my life when I was a teenager. As the main character in the production, my draft scenario included going to school and university, having a career, meeting and marrying the most beautiful woman in the world. As the plot progressed, we would work hard, have children, do things as a family and when the kids were grown we would travel, then retire, and ride off into the sunset together. Think about YOUR script… most of us have one.

Every human being constructs a unique world of meaning. We all make assumptions about “how life is going to be” in the course of daily living. We are sustained by the network of explanations, expectations and enactments that shape our lives with ourselves and others. These assumptions provide us with a basic sense of order regarding our past, awareness regarding our current relationships and predictability regarding our future.

And most of us, at the end of the script, whatever the final details, add the words … “and they lived happily ever after.” Because that is what most of us would like to think is going to happen. While the particulars may change from time to time, we all want to think that life will be orderly, predictable, and go “according to the script.”

But sometimes life does not go according to the script. Not everything works out the way we planned. And then we find ourselves struggling to come to terms with “the grief of unmet expectations.” Any loss can be interpreted as disrupting the continuity of this assumed narrative. When this occurs, we have one of two choices: either we revise the plot by rewriting the script and assimilating the loss into pre-existing frameworks of meaning, ultimately reasserting or justifying the viability of our pre-existing belief system; or we accommodate our life narrative to correspond more closely to what we perceive as a changed reality in the violation of our assumptive world. 

It is vitally important to realize that “who we are” is determined not just by genetic makeup, but also by our experiences and how we allow them to affect us. In this statement we find an important key for life and living. We do not have a choice in how we are born and our genetic or cultural influence. We may have a choice over some difficult events and negative experiences that affect us. Stuff happens! But while we may not have a choice over certain circumstances, we do have a choice about how we are going to allow them to affect us. The key is in enabling people to make good choices about what they are going to “do” about what has happened.

So, we need to place the loss in a context of meaning. We can do this in one of two ways. First we can reaffirm what we formerly believed about life; or secondly, we can establish a new belief system about the meaning of life. In other words, does this experience make sense according to what I believed about life before or do I have to adapt my way of interpreting how life can be meaningful. The challenge is to find ways to integrate the experience into life as it now is, and to adopt new assumptions about our world which has been shaken and even violated by the loss.

The implication of this idea for caregivers, families and those seeking to support grieving people is that we need to recognize the unique and personal meanings of loss which will take us beyond clichéd expressions of support or preconceived ideas of what a particular loss “feels like” to any given griever. The particularity of any loss should prompt us to listen intently for clues as to the unique significance of the bereavement experience for each individual. 

Thus I contend that helping people through the grief of bereavement is not simply a matter of understanding the emotions that they may be expressing. Rather it involves supporting them through a reinterpretation of “how life can be meaningful even in the light of loss,” and empowering them to define life as it now is and to find ways to make the most of what they have left.


Visit their website to learn more about pre-planning a funeral and grief support, as well as the traditional funeral and cremation services that they have to offer. They are always there to help. Check out their listing on Trusted Saskatoon to read more reviews and to see all the services they offer. 

Saskatoon Funeral Home is your Trusted Saskatoon funeral home. 


Trusted Saskatoon Funeral Home Share How to Help Someone Who is Grieving

Since 1910, Saskatoon Funeral Home has responded to the needs of Saskatoon & area citizens of every faith and every walk of life. They have a proud history as Saskatoon's longest-serving, local, family-owned and operated, full-service funeral and cremation provider to trace its roots to the beginning days of our city. Saskatoon Funeral Home are a Trusted Saskatoon funeral home. 

How to Help Someone Who is Grieving

By Dr. Bill Webster

I’d love to help but I just don’t know what to say or what I should do.  I am sure many of us can identify with such sentiments.  We hear that a friend or a neighbor has had a loss.  Our hearts immediately go out to them and we long to be of some comfort or assistance but we just don’t know what to do or what to say.  Often because we are afraid or unable to raise the subject we may say nothing.  To the grieving person it may seem as if there is little understanding or support.

Here are eight practical suggestions as to how we can help in a positive and constructive way people who have a loss and support them in their time of need.


1)      Be there.

Our initial reaction is often “What can I do?” and it is a wonderful one.  Most of us want to do something to help take away the pain of loss.   People will offer all kinds of practical help such as bringing in food, looking after children and many other examples.  Yet often what is needed is for people to be not just to do.  As helpers we should take the initiative and make contact.  Remember the griever is in shock and isn’t functioning very well.  They may not be able to respond to your sincere offers to “Let me know if there’s anything I can do?”  They may not know what they need.  The first thing is to reach out, establish contact and be there.  Don’t worry about what you’re going to say or do.  It may come as a surprise but I actually remember very little of what was said to me at the funeral home.  What I do remember is that certain people were there and their presence made all the difference.  Just be yourself.  The gift of presence is most important to people in grief.


2)      Please listen.

One of the healthy things in the days before a funeral is the opportunity for people to talk about the dead person and the events surrounding the death.  Unfortunately that process often ends shortly after the funeral service.  Research has shown that the most significant factor in the failure of grief resolution is the absence or inappropriateness of social support.  Put simply people need to talk … which means others need to listen.  In fact it is better to say people need to talk and talk and have repeated opportunities to review and relive the person’s life and death.  You may find they repeat the same story over and over.  Encourage this.  Difficult as it may be for the listener because each reliving of these events is another strand of the chord that is cut.  Care enough to find out about the person’s grief.  Give them permission to talk with questions like: Can you tell me a little about the death?  What happened?  Tell me about him/her.  How did you meet?  What was he/she like?  What has been happening since the death?  How have you found things?  How are you feeling?  What are some of the struggles or challenges?   Know when to close your mouth and when to open your ears.  Simple listening skills such as maintaining eye contact, leaning forward and nodding your head can encourage the griever to open up.  The unspoken messages “You’re important and what you are saying is important, and I want to hear everything you’re telling me.”


3)      Interpret “Normal” Behavior.

It is important to understand what grief is and how it manifests itself.  Only then will we know what is normal.  Grief is an emotional response to a significant loss.  It manifests itself in many different ways, in greater or lesser degrees and in various combinations. In simple terms, grief is unpredictable. This is what makes normality so difficult to define or neatly package. What is normal? Why can two different people react to grief in completely different ways and both be considered normal?  Our grief response is a unique blending of numerous emotions. Some of these include shock, disbelief, numbness, crying, confusion, anxiety, depression, guilt, anger, loneliness, despair, sadness, helplessness, frustration, irritability, resentment, fatigue, sleep disruptions, physical symptoms, and lowered self‑esteem. All these emotions are normal. People in grief, not understanding this emotional explosion they may be experiencing often think they are going crazy. They aren’t! They are normal. They may need some help to work through all their feelings, but that’s OK. You may not be a doctor or a psychologist, but if you can help people to see they are normal in their feelings of grief, you will bring the best medicine. By the way there are other messages in this series that will help you understand the grief process more fully.


4)      Legitimize Grief Feelings:

I try never to say “I know how you feel” to anyone, because I don’t. How can I know how they feel. All I know is how I felt when grief touched my life. People say these words with good intentions, but the grieving person often does not appreciate them. To say I know how a person feels somehow minimizes their experience. The loss is unique to the griever. The feelings of grief are unique, influenced by many factors around the relationship, and the circumstances. Sure, I lost my wife, and I remember how that felt…but someone else may be feeling something quite different, and we need to validate that. We need to let the person know it is OK to grieve. Grief is confusing to people for many reasons. It manifests itself in some seemingly unusual and uncharacteristic behaviors. The messages people sometimes get is that they should “be strong” . They may be looking for permission to grieve. They are asking us in hidden ways if it is safe to express to us what they are REALLY feeling. To tell a person NOT to cry when tears fill the eyes is to deny permission to grieve. To say that they must be strong, or that life must go on, or even to quickly change the subject to something more cheerful, gives the message that the grief and the feelings are not acceptable to us. Maybe we are simply saying we can’t handle it, which is fair enough. But if we do want to be a support, we need to assure them that we don’t mind if they cry, or rant and rave, or show anger, or display any of the emotions associated with grief. Let people know that you accept them as they are in this time…that you accept their weakness and vulnerability…that you are not trying to “fix” them or indicating they should be doing better. There is often a critical moment between friends when the voice cracks, the mouth quivers, and tears come to the eyes. In that moment, Say little or nothing, but reach out, touch the person, perhaps by a gentle hand on the arm, and let them know that it is OK to let it go and express the grief that is being felt.


5)      Tolerate Angry Responses:

Be prepared for the fact that you may be the focus of some angry reactions or outbursts. It is not necessarily a reflection on you or the things you are attempting to do. Don’t get angry in return or give up on the person when this happens. The problem with anger is that it doesn’t always get focused in the right direction. Grievers may be angry with doctors, ministers, funeral directors, friends…in fact almost anyone. And they are angry for one simple reason. We cannot give them what they want the most. Namely the return of the person they have lost. Something has happened that cannot be changed, much as we would like to. The feelings of helplessness around such a situation lead people to be angry. They are angry because they have been left. But where do they focus that anger. On whoever happens to be in the line of fire when the frustration overflows. We have to be clear here. The person is not angry at us, hard as it may be to be objective. We have to be realistic about the help we can offer. We cannot take the pain away from the person. Despite our best efforts, we cannot rectify the situation to their satisfaction. That does not mean we can do nothing…it just means we have to be realistic.


6)      Give the Griever Hope:

While not minimizing the pain and difficulty of grief, we need to give the griever hope. Hope that someday the pain will subside. Hope that life will have meaning again. Hope that God has a purpose in all this, even though we may not see it right now. Hope that someday life will make sense again. Such a feeling of hope will bring comfort, the realization that things will get better, and that they will find the grace and the strength to carry on.  This is why support groups can be so helpful. They show people whose loss is recent that others have survived the anguish and the agony, and are finding new meanings for their life. While the newly bereaved may not feel it at the time, seeing that there is a possibility of recovery is a glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel. Giving the mourner hope involves constantly reassuring them that as long as they work at it with courage, the pain will subside and life will go on. It may be a reminder that strength is often made perfect in weakness. But the confidence we place in the person that they will make it will give them courage and confidence in times when self doubts assail.

Always remember that Grief Takes Time. Not everyone goes through the same process, and none at the identical pace. More often than not, grief takes much more time than society has realized or allowed. We have often forced unrealistic expectations on people who have had a loss. We expect them to be “over it in a relatively short time. While it is commonly accepted that the intense reactions of grief will subside within six to twelve months, it is also widely acknowledged that some things may take years to be resolved. It is up to the grieving person to set the pace for their own journey. We of their friends and family can only walk with them on that journey. We can’t fix people or try to make their decisions for them, or try to set the pace for their journey. But we can be with them. We can walk alongside and let them know they are not alone. They have a friend, and they will be thankful for that and for us. We will have made a difference in someone’s life.

And, after all that is the greatest reward.


Visit their website to learn more about pre-planning a funeral and grief support, as well as the traditional funeral and cremation services that they have to offer. They are always there to help. Check out their listing on Trusted Saskatoon to read more reviews and to see all the services they offer. 

Saskatoon Funeral Home is your Trusted Saskatoon funeral home. 


Trusted Saskatoon Funeral Home Discuss The Importance of Memorialization & Talking About What Matters Most

Since 1910, Saskatoon Funeral Home has responded to the needs of Saskatoon & area citizens of every faith and every walk of life. They have a proud history as Saskatoon's longest-serving, local, family-owned and operated, full-service funeral and cremation provider to trace its roots to the beginning days of our city. Saskatoon Funeral Home are a Trusted Saskatoon funeral home. 

Have The Talk Of A Lifetime

Through meaningful memorialization – that is, taking time to reflect on the unique life of a loved one and remember the difference they made – families and friends take an important step in the journey toward healing after death.

People talk about many things with their loved ones: from day-to-day details to big events. Sharing stories with those who matter most isn’t just important today; it will be especially significant when it’s time to commemorate a life. Herman-Taylor Funeral Home and Cremation Center is proud to announce its participation in Have the Talk of a LifetimeSM, a national effort to encourage families to have conversations about life and what matters most. These discussions can help families make important decisions about how they wish to remember and honor the lives of their loved ones.

Individuals and their families have more options than even before for memorializing their loved one at the end of life. From simple to very elaborate, there are a variety of ways a family can honor their loved one in a personal and meaningful way.

Memorialization is so much more than it used to be. It can reflect a person’s life story – their values, interests and experiences – and be transformative, healing and comforting. Meaningful memorialization starts when loved ones talk about what matters most: memories made, lessons learned and how they hope to be remembered.


Informational Brochure

We are pleased to offer families in the community a free brochure here, Have the Talk of a Lifetime, that will help you begin a conversation about life. We encourage you as you ‘have the talk” with your loved ones. Please call us if we can help you or if we can provide additional information about your memorialization options.


Visit their website to learn more about pre-planning a funeral and grief support, as well as the traditional funeral and cremation services that they have to offer. They are always there to help. Check out their listing on Trusted Saskatoon to read more reviews and to see all the services they offer. 

Saskatoon Funeral Home is your Trusted Saskatoon funeral home. 


Trusted Saskatoon Accountants at HTH CPA's Tax Tip: Underused Housing Tax (UHT) Returns

Hounjet Tastad Harpham has decades of accounting experience working with clients across Saskatchewan. Their expert accounting advice is valued by clients ranging from individuals to businesses, small and large. Hounjet Tastad Harpham is a Trusted Saskatoon Accounting firmand in their latest helpful Saskatoon accounting and tax tip, they explain the new Underused Housing Tax (UHT) Returns.

Underused Housing Tax (UHT) 

The Government of Canada implemented the Underused Housing Tax (UHT) on June 9, 2022, and as of December 31, 2022, it will impact certain residential property owners. 

 

A residential property owner who is not classified as an “Excluded Owner” must file the UHT return by April 30 of the following year. They may be required to pay an annual 1% tax on the Taxable Value or the Fair Market Value of the vacant or underused housing.  

 

Excluded Owners include Canadian citizens and permanent residents, so most individuals will not need to file a UHT return. However, all private corporations, partnerships and trusts (even those owned by Canadian citizens) who own residential property will be required to file a UHT return annually, even if they are exempt from the UHT.  

 

Failure to file a UHT return has significant penalties, starting at $5,000 for individuals and $10,000 for corporations. Further, failure to file could lead to the UHT being payable, even if an exemption should have applied.  

 

If you are a Canadian citizen or permanent resident (except in capacity as a partner or trustee), no action is required on your part. Anyone else who owns residential property, including individuals who own the property as a partner or trustee, may want to consider discussing your situation with your tax advisor.  

 

Exemptions

Your ownership of a residential property may be exempt from the Underused Housing Tax for a calendar year depending on:
  • the type of owner you are
  • the availability of the residential property
  • the location and use of the residential property
  • the occupant of the residential property
Remember, if you are an affected owner of a residential property in Canada on December 31 you still have to file an Underused Housing Tax return for the residential property for the calendar year, even if your ownership qualifies for an exemption.

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Accounting Services:

If you are looking for a Saskatoon chartered professional accountancy firm contact the team at Hounjet Tastad Harpham today.

HTH is a Trusted Saskatoon Accountant 

Tax specialist



Trusted Saskatoon Group Benefits Professionals at Aurora Workplace Solutions Explain Critical Illness Insurance

Aurora Workplace Solutions are about creating brilliant futures by developing wealth security for businesses and individuals. As experts in the industry, they keep on top of recent news including changes to relevant group benefit plans, retirement savings options, and guidelines and policies. They also keep their eyes open for informative articles we think are of interest to our current and potential clients. Aurora Workplace Solutions are Trusted Saskatoon Group Benefits and Insurance Professionals! 

Importance of Critical Illness Insurance Explained

Critical Illness Insurance Coverage Helps You Recover

A critical illness can strike at any time, and it can happen to anyone, regardless of their age or gender. Although the incidence of cancer, heart disease, and stroke are rising in Canada, the odds of surviving a critical illness are better than ever. Thanks to medical advances.

But surviving a health crisis can often involve a number of financial challenges for which you were unprepared. Long Term Disability payments can help replace lost wages, but not the additional costs associated with surviving a critical illness. Expenses like time off work, travel to and from treatments, home modifications or assistance at home are now added on top of your normal living expenses. That’s where Critical Illness Insurance comes in.


Ease the financial pressures associated with a life-threatening illness

Critical Illness insurance is designed to ease the financial pressures associated with a life-threatening illness by paying a tax-free lump sum if you become seriously ill. As a result, you can devote 100% of your energy to recovery, without worrying about how your illness has affected you financially.


Aurora Workplace Solutions design & create custom group benefits plans that meet custom organization goals. Read more about their Group Benefits Plans or contact them today to get started!

'Creating Brilliant Futures'


Aurora Workplace Solutions are Trusted Saskatoon Group Benefits and Insurance Professionals! 

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